Terrible day!

Monday July 18, 2011

Yesterday was a terrible day. I was concerned about my daughter’s safety. David’s partner Maria, was pressuring me and talking to me about granting more opportunities for them to have my daughter Beige, in their home more often. They had her for two weeks in June and part of July. When I talked to my daughter on the phone she seemed excited about being with her Dad and grandparents. She said “Mommy can I come to my Daddy’s house anytime I want?” I didn’t want to confuse her or let her down so I said yes. But with the idea that she really isn’t in charge of visitation arrangements, she’s just a little five-year-old girl.
When we invited the Sernas to come and eat food with us, David’s partner Maria, came up to me and questioned me, “So are you really going let your daughter come to see us every weekend?” I told her that the court ruling was already set and that now that I was living in San Diego, David would have more visitation just based on the fact that we were closer to him. In Oakland he sometimes he didn’t take advantage of his two weekends a month due to money and distance, but now that we lived here he would be able to fulfill his visits more easily. She was trying her hardest to convince me that her younger daughter, or my daughter’s half-sister had fun with her and that the two got along suggesting that was another reason why I should let her spend more time at their house. She obviously didn’t understand the significance of the court paperwork. She was being pushy and I felt it was wrong for her to come up to me and mention that and at the time, I just brushed it off.
When I got my daughter back for the week after she had been at her Dad’s she was wearing a new bracelet. It seemed strange to me at first because she almost never wore jewelry or for a long period of time. I asked her on one occasion when I was bathing her if I could remove the bracelet. She said, “ No Mommy don’t take it off, don’t take it off!” I said ok and I let her keep it on. Another day, we went swimming with one of her cousins and when she was going into the pool I said, “let me take off your bracelet” and she said, “No!” “Why not?” I said, she told me that if she took off the bracelet, that Maria would get mad at her. She even said that each individual piece to the bracelet could fall off and if she lost any of them she would also be in trouble. “ I said fine keep the bracelet and let’s practice swimming. That night I bathed her again and told her that she has a choice in her life and that she can choose what she wants to wear and what she doesn’t want to wear. I said “ You don’t have to wear that because Maria told you to wear that, don’t worry about Maria. We’ll just give her back the bracelet.” Beige said, “Ok Mommy” and allowed me to take off the bracelet.
I still don’t like the idea of someone who is not my daughter’s parent to be intimidating her and pressuring her to do something she doesn’t want to do. I didn’t bring it up to David or Maria yesterday when I talked to them because I was concerned about other things. Yesterday as we ate food with the Sernas, we told them that Beige had just joined ballet and swimming classes. And I told David we had already started on Saturday. Then Maria ,out of nowhere says, “ So you took her this Saturday, that means we take her next Saturday.” I told her that we had the clothes for her ballet class and that we had all the supplies to do her hair. Then Maria said she could do her hair and that her friend could take care of that. I didn’t want to be rude and say, “ we got it, don’t worry” I just felt a big nervous tension in my stomach like this woman was after some power to control my daughter and her life, as if she was going to replace me. I didn’t feel that she was taking into account the technicalities that David and I are in charge of decisions like that and all the planning and small details within that are also between David and I because we are Beigie’s parents and that’s what we do.
As soon as I added up all the things this woman had offended me with I had to speak to David privately. I needed to express to him that this woman was getting in the middle of everything. I talked to David first to express all of my concerns. Some things he was not even informed about such as the talk about Beige going to her Dad’s house every weekend. But he understood that it was words coming from a child. I told David that I was not trying to turn my daughter against her Dad or Maria because I am simply not that kind of a person. He said that he knew I was a good person and that I was not capable of something like that. I further expressed to David that only he and I should be in charge of visitation arrangements and he agreed.
After I talked with David, I asked him if I could talk to Maria and I told her to come and talk to me privately. When I expressed my concerns about David and I being the people in charge and that she was out of line by getting in the middle, she denied all the things I was saying. She repeated what I said on one occasion, which didn’t make any sense. I said “why did you bring the every weekend visits to my attention again if you understood that it was a child was saying that?” “Why bring it up to me again?” She said that the conversation was ridiculous and stupid and she kept repeating that every fifteen days they would have her. I told her I know, but what does that have any thing to do with what we’re talking about. I told her that whatever control issues she had about this topic had to stop. At the end of the conversation, she also brought on some drama by insulting me at the end saying that I was missing something or “te falta algo”in Spanish, and that this was the reason she never understood me. The point is she didn’t want to admit that she was wrong or that she was getting in the middle of things and making things more difficult between me and my daughter and David. I would have liked to hear Maria say, I’m sorry I am getting between you two as parents and I understand that Beige is the responsibility of both of you and not mine and from this day forward I will not interfere in any of your plans. That’s it, it would be that simple.
The general feeling I got is if she doesn’t comply and I still don’t feel comfortable with her. I will have to press charges against her through the court system. So that she finally understands where she stands. I also want to feel that my daughter is safe with someone that capacitated and not someone that is negligent or has a need to take things out on my daughter or punish her because of things that are going on with the adults in the situation.

-Daya

TRUST

Sometimes I have a feeling of resentment followed by a feeling of guilt. Sometimes though it’s not guilt I feel it’s actually more like washed up feelings from the past. And that makes me want to give up. Today I felt resentment towards David and his Dad for a lot of reasons. Taking money from the business, demanding things I am not ready for and making me responsible for a lot of things that I was felt I was not prepared for. And the feeling of being used by David for all his tricks as a con artist that I fell for before knowing he was just that. It hurts a little still to know that in this life of mine, in the prime of my youth, happiness was taken away from me by someone who then took advantage of my trust and light way of being. Now I am faced with a lot of challenges that I cannot face alone. I am struggling to move forward and make something positive towards my future. I do not want to rely on others to give it to me I really feel like earning something and feeling good about it. I know it will be a hard road but it will be worth it in the end. I feel like I need someone to comprehend the things that are going on in my life but they can not because it’s not their lives they can only imagine what it’s like. I felt sad when I talked to David on the phone today because he seemed to be sharing and was being sincere. But there’s a part of me that I feel, will never trust him again.
Also, I was upset about my Dad’s comments about me choosing Josh to baby-sit my daughter. I think I have enough common sense to choose someone of quality for my daughter. But regardless of what he said, it still felt like a guilt trip was being put onto me.
On the positive side, I am glad that things are clearing up and that soon I will be working in my new gardening job, for the whole year. I am also proud of myself for being an active reader. I read three books this summer. It has helped me with my brain balance lately. My receptors seem to be active again. My logic side feels like it is working once more.

Clarity

So now that I am unemployed, I find that I have more time to find myself and what it really is that I want out of life. I want a partner that doesn't lie to me someone who is assertive of who they are. And so far I think I have that. It's just that I think the life goals are not aligned. I called my ex and expressed to him the fear I have of moving back to San Diego today. I think I'm just scared to like him or be friends again. I can't quite explain the nightmares I have when he's in town. But today I felt good telling him how I felt and why I hadn't come to a decision yet. I still can't trust him for the life of me. I think writting this is making the whole thing just seem more ridiculous indeed. Geesh, sometimes I wish I could just go to a phsychic or something and ask what my future holds. In the meantime I will continue to look for a new job and clear out what it is I really want to do educationally. I was thinking a Masters in Education, or just a teaching credential or both. And some other interests in counseling and social work. We'll see how it goes...

Mexican Wrestling!

So I just found out that Singles Awareness Day (or SAD) is on Valentines Day! It's a total joke! It's so crazy and I just found out there was some random pillow fighting going on in downtown SF too! Ahhw, I wish I could've been there! Sounds like a good way to meet someone or just beat the shit out of some guy which is usually what I do when I drink anyway. I don't know why but I feel so powerful when I drink that I think I can "beat up boys." Then the next morning all my muscles are sore and aching. I don't know where I get the energy or if it's something chemical. I hope what Maya says is true. I was driving her and Toddy to the airport yesterday and she said "Maybe we can start the wrestling events again" they used to choose a house and have "Mexican style wrestling" at someone's house which could be somewhat physical and intrusive. But I love the idea cause no one could challenge us the three sisters...we are dangerous force to be dealt with. Man, I'm gonna need to workout my arms and legs if I want to achieve the death grip on some dude.

Valentine's Day

This story is ridiculous but true. I just met this Asian guy in my acting class. He kept asking me to go out for a drink or for a movie but I was so tired from working all week. Plus he didn't know that I had a daughter yet. I finally accepted his invitation after plans with Claudia to go salsa dancing fell through. I arrived late after dropping off Bella at the sitter. He had bought the movie tickets already and was waiting for me. He greeted me with a dozen roses. I said "Oh, I wasn't expecting that!" And he said "Well it's Valentine's Day" Then ten minutes into the movie, he reaches for my hand and gives me a death grip! I slowly, for what seemed like an eternity, started to loosen my fingers away from his. He caught me by surprise! what a way to take advantage of someone unwilling! Then I crossed my fingers with both hands and sat uneasily while trying to enjoy the movie. Then 20 minutes into the movie, he grabs my hand again, but this time I decided to take his hand right back to his lap! I needed to let him know I didn't like that or at least just indicating for him to keep his hands to himself. I thouroughly enjoyed the movie "Benjamin Button" it was rather touching yet sad at the end. We exit the Theater and guess what?! He asks me if I had dinner yet and if I was hungry. I just told him I needed to pick up my daughter because she was at the sitter. He said "Wow, you have a daughter?" And I said "Yeah I do, and I'm a single mother." Then he said "No wonder you said you are so busy and tired."

Good Day!

This week in general has been great! I started the week off with my new acting class on Monday. I can't believe I didn't do this sooner. I have about 40 classmates and they all look like they're really fun people. I know I will make some friends there. I have also been more appreciative of my job lately. Sometimes I take it for granted and I want to get a new job but this week I was really liking the place. I can't believe I have made some friends at my job. I think it helps not to be the boss so others don't dislike you. Yesterday I hung out with Jamie and the Bells. We played at the park and then went to get some pizza at Lanesplitters. I had two ciders and and a slice of pizza and I was buzzed already. Well I ended up smooching the Jamie cuz I just miss the guy and I wanted him to know that. He said he misses "us" too. I only hope that we remain friends for a long time. He's right in that we lead different lives, I understand but I also think that there were a lot of misunderstandings and expectations in our relationship. I am content to have time to myself these days though. I don't know how I was able to fit a boy into my schedule.

Prez

So I don't own a TV but today I sat down and watched the news online. I saw some people expressing so much emotion and excitement for what's to come. Even tomorrow will be a historical moment for our nation. I myself an excited at the notion yet not so thrilled to go to work tomorrow. I think I will start looking for a new job soon. Economy permitting of course. Lately there doesn't seem to be a lot of jobs available out there they all seem to require lots of references, licenses and credentials or schools levels achieved. It's ridiculous because I have a Bachelor's degree yet I am working at a entry-level job. I hope the classes I am taking now will help me further my career along. I still have sweet memories of working with 2nd graders and how exciting and interesting they were and how much information they absorbed from me. Especially the recent immigrant kids that just started learning English and by the time I left the school grounds they were proficient in English. So back to the topic or title. I hope that I have a career in education helping kids because I have great hopes that Obama and his administration will recognize educators and make my job easier. I mean who's going to school our children?