Terrible day!

Monday July 18, 2011

Yesterday was a terrible day. I was concerned about my daughter’s safety. David’s partner Maria, was pressuring me and talking to me about granting more opportunities for them to have my daughter Beige, in their home more often. They had her for two weeks in June and part of July. When I talked to my daughter on the phone she seemed excited about being with her Dad and grandparents. She said “Mommy can I come to my Daddy’s house anytime I want?” I didn’t want to confuse her or let her down so I said yes. But with the idea that she really isn’t in charge of visitation arrangements, she’s just a little five-year-old girl.
When we invited the Sernas to come and eat food with us, David’s partner Maria, came up to me and questioned me, “So are you really going let your daughter come to see us every weekend?” I told her that the court ruling was already set and that now that I was living in San Diego, David would have more visitation just based on the fact that we were closer to him. In Oakland he sometimes he didn’t take advantage of his two weekends a month due to money and distance, but now that we lived here he would be able to fulfill his visits more easily. She was trying her hardest to convince me that her younger daughter, or my daughter’s half-sister had fun with her and that the two got along suggesting that was another reason why I should let her spend more time at their house. She obviously didn’t understand the significance of the court paperwork. She was being pushy and I felt it was wrong for her to come up to me and mention that and at the time, I just brushed it off.
When I got my daughter back for the week after she had been at her Dad’s she was wearing a new bracelet. It seemed strange to me at first because she almost never wore jewelry or for a long period of time. I asked her on one occasion when I was bathing her if I could remove the bracelet. She said, “ No Mommy don’t take it off, don’t take it off!” I said ok and I let her keep it on. Another day, we went swimming with one of her cousins and when she was going into the pool I said, “let me take off your bracelet” and she said, “No!” “Why not?” I said, she told me that if she took off the bracelet, that Maria would get mad at her. She even said that each individual piece to the bracelet could fall off and if she lost any of them she would also be in trouble. “ I said fine keep the bracelet and let’s practice swimming. That night I bathed her again and told her that she has a choice in her life and that she can choose what she wants to wear and what she doesn’t want to wear. I said “ You don’t have to wear that because Maria told you to wear that, don’t worry about Maria. We’ll just give her back the bracelet.” Beige said, “Ok Mommy” and allowed me to take off the bracelet.
I still don’t like the idea of someone who is not my daughter’s parent to be intimidating her and pressuring her to do something she doesn’t want to do. I didn’t bring it up to David or Maria yesterday when I talked to them because I was concerned about other things. Yesterday as we ate food with the Sernas, we told them that Beige had just joined ballet and swimming classes. And I told David we had already started on Saturday. Then Maria ,out of nowhere says, “ So you took her this Saturday, that means we take her next Saturday.” I told her that we had the clothes for her ballet class and that we had all the supplies to do her hair. Then Maria said she could do her hair and that her friend could take care of that. I didn’t want to be rude and say, “ we got it, don’t worry” I just felt a big nervous tension in my stomach like this woman was after some power to control my daughter and her life, as if she was going to replace me. I didn’t feel that she was taking into account the technicalities that David and I are in charge of decisions like that and all the planning and small details within that are also between David and I because we are Beigie’s parents and that’s what we do.
As soon as I added up all the things this woman had offended me with I had to speak to David privately. I needed to express to him that this woman was getting in the middle of everything. I talked to David first to express all of my concerns. Some things he was not even informed about such as the talk about Beige going to her Dad’s house every weekend. But he understood that it was words coming from a child. I told David that I was not trying to turn my daughter against her Dad or Maria because I am simply not that kind of a person. He said that he knew I was a good person and that I was not capable of something like that. I further expressed to David that only he and I should be in charge of visitation arrangements and he agreed.
After I talked with David, I asked him if I could talk to Maria and I told her to come and talk to me privately. When I expressed my concerns about David and I being the people in charge and that she was out of line by getting in the middle, she denied all the things I was saying. She repeated what I said on one occasion, which didn’t make any sense. I said “why did you bring the every weekend visits to my attention again if you understood that it was a child was saying that?” “Why bring it up to me again?” She said that the conversation was ridiculous and stupid and she kept repeating that every fifteen days they would have her. I told her I know, but what does that have any thing to do with what we’re talking about. I told her that whatever control issues she had about this topic had to stop. At the end of the conversation, she also brought on some drama by insulting me at the end saying that I was missing something or “te falta algo”in Spanish, and that this was the reason she never understood me. The point is she didn’t want to admit that she was wrong or that she was getting in the middle of things and making things more difficult between me and my daughter and David. I would have liked to hear Maria say, I’m sorry I am getting between you two as parents and I understand that Beige is the responsibility of both of you and not mine and from this day forward I will not interfere in any of your plans. That’s it, it would be that simple.
The general feeling I got is if she doesn’t comply and I still don’t feel comfortable with her. I will have to press charges against her through the court system. So that she finally understands where she stands. I also want to feel that my daughter is safe with someone that capacitated and not someone that is negligent or has a need to take things out on my daughter or punish her because of things that are going on with the adults in the situation.

-Daya